things I'm afraid to tell you

I first heard about the Things I'm Afraid to Tell You series from Naomi of Of Alselm, though the series was originally started by Jess from Make Under My Life. After reading Naomi's post, Jess' post, and a few other posts in the series (you can find them all here), I decided to share.

I'm not always a super duper positive, happy-go-lucky blogger. I've had a few posts here and there that have been fairly deep, raw, and far from representing the "my life is perfect" image. But I've decided to partake in the post because, as I've said before, I know that if I one day want to be an author (and I will, I promise you), I have to learn to be open. To be vulnerable. To say the tough things that I might now always want people to hear.

And so I am going to share with you a few things today. A few things that I'm afraid to tell you. but I hope that this encourages you to not be afraid to be open, to be vulnerable, to share your heart with the world. And also to remind you that it's okay that your life isn't perfect.

So here we go...

I have a superhero/Savior complex. More than almost anything I hate to see those that I love hurting and I wish with all my heart that I could fix it for them. It's the hardest thing for me to know that those I love are hurting or depressed and either not know what to do to help them or know that there's nothing I can't do to help them.

Even though I've come a long way when it comes to my self-esteem, I still have moments where I don't feel like I'm worth people's time. I'm afraid that when I text or call or talk to or want to hang out people that they're just irritated with me and are thinking, "Just go away."

I'm much more okay with my physical appearance than I used to be, but many days I still look in the mirror and think, "Ugh, I hate my _______."

Part of me is terrified that I am never going to find "The One" and I'm going to die alone with 15 cats.

My dream my entire life has been to write. It's the only consistent desire I've ever had. And even though I received good grades in high school in college, I've been published in The Washington Post and other professional publications, and I have all you wonderful followers who read my blog, there's a small part of me that fears that I'm actually not a good writer and I'm going to write a book one day, send it into a publishing company, and they're going to send it back and say, "Why on earth do you think you're a good writer? This is awful."

I cry at everything and I really hate that. My lack of control over my emotions angers me sometimes.

I've always wanted kids. Four, to be exact. And though I do want to adopt at least one child if I can, I'm afraid that I'm going to get married one day and discover that I'm infertile or for some other reason unable to give birth to any of my own children.

More than anything, my desire is for my life to give glory to God. The way I live, what I do, my relationships, my blog, any other writing that I may do. My purpose in life is to bring glory to him. And sometimes I get frustrated because the "fun" posts get more attention and more comments than the posts that have to do with my faith or my heart, the posts I really put my soul in to. And then I wonder, "Is my writing only bringing glory to me? Or is it bringing glory to Him?" And I don't always know the answer to that question.

Since I came back from White Sulphur Springs at the end of last summer, my relationship with the Lord has been mediocre at best. My prayer time and my time in the word hasn't been anywhere near what I want it to be or what I know it should be. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I know that I would rather spend time sleeping or watching Netflix or hanging out with people than reading my Bible. And that's now how it should be. And that scares me.

Those are things I'm afraid to tell you. But now I've told you. So what things are you afraid to tell?