hello monday: vol. 9
Hello Monday. I'm really good at independence.
I'm not entirely sure if it's a natural trait or something learned out of necessity, but my guess is probably a combination of both.
When you're raised in a military family and moving once every couple of friends, you learn to make friends quickly, but you also learn to be fine on your own. When you're single for nearly a decade longer than you anticipated, you learn everything from how to find a job you really love to how to hang curtain by yourself when you're only 5'2".
Like a lot of personality traits, there are pros and cons to independence and self-sufficiency. I could spend a lot of time expounding upon all of these, but there's one major part of my life that has never benefited from my ability to take care of myself — my relationship with the Lord.
Even though, deep down, my heart always know I can't make it through this life without the Lord, my head is really good at rationalizing, strong arming it, and MAKING THINGS HAPPEN so I'm able to convince myself I don't need anyone because I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself, thank you very much.
Until my anxiety gets the better of me and the simplest thing sends me into a tailspin of freaking out and feeling like I've lost control and wanting to curl up into a ball and hide away from the world.
That happened last night. If it doesn't sound like fun, that's because it wasn't and it isn't.
But those moments of breaking down and feeling like I just can't do it all are a gift precisely because they remind me that I can't do it all and I was never meant to.
There is value in independence, in learning to care for yourself, in learning to handle things and live life without complete dependence on other human beings. But we ere when we apply our independence from other people to independence with the Lord, because the truth is, we were created to live life with complete dependence on Him.
When we go for too long thinking we're independent, we're self-sufficient, and we've got this, we're bound to have a breakdown. We're bound to eventually run into a situation where we feel incapable and like our skills and knowledge and talents are insufficient because they are.
I can't say I particularly enjoyed my minor freak out last night, but I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful that it reminded me to take a step back, to remember that I am not in control of my life or my job or my living situation or anything else, but He is. And in those moments where I feel incapable of handling what's been thrown my way, I'm so grateful that I can lean on Him, letting my weakness be His strength.
I pray you remember that this week, friend. His grace is sufficient, not yourself.