hello monday: vol. 22

Hello, Monday. I didn't write a post last week.

You may have noticed. You may have not. I know in reality most people probably didn't notice or, if they did, it wasn't a big deal, but I went through a whole weird and far more emotional process than was probably necessary before deciding I just wasn't going to write a post.

 
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It was partly due to the fact that it was a holiday,  so I didn't spend the time on my computer that I normally do. But it was also partly due to the fact that, though I have a rather lengthy list of ideas for post topics, I didn't have the emotional energy or capacity to actually write them.

I could've written just to write, for no reason other than the fact that I committed to writing one of these posts every single week for the entirety of 2018, but I didn't want to do that.

You see, there's so much noise in this world we live in. There's tweets and texts and Instagram posts and Instagram stories and Facebook posts and Facebook stories and newsletters and commercials and tv shows radio ads and YouTube videos and YouTube ads and sometimes it feels like the world is going non-stop, creating more and more and more, and in order to be heard, you yourself have to create more and more and more and yell louder to be heard above the noise.

I don't want to create like that.

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. I've written countless blog posts and filled thousands of pages of journals over the years in an attempt to process life and share about the things I'm learning.

When it comes to my own life and the word I pen each day, sometimes I write just to write. I've journaled literally every day for nearly 3 1/2 years and some days, I write about nothing more than the events that happened that day — the mundane and the ordinary, just for the sake of putting pen to paper for another consecutive day.

But I don't want to write for you like that.

There's too much noise in this world and I only want to contribute to it if I really have something to say. I only want to fill your inboxes or your feed readers with words if I truly feel they will help, encourage, or uplift you in some way. I don't want to write just to hear the sound of my own voice.

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When I'm most honest, this year has been a lot of up and down and it's left me emotionally drained.

When I feel, I feel things deeply or I don't feel them at all. There's really no in between when it comes to me and feelings, so when there's a lot of big things — exciting or not — happening in my life like there have been as of late, that means I get exhausted rather quickly.

At the same time, I'm still trying to find that balance between sharing about life online without living life online. I doubt it's something I'll ever fully master, but I'd rather err on the side of caution and share too little in lieu of sharing too much.

Which means when big things are happening in my life and in my heart, when the Lord is working and moving and teaching me wonderful and beautiful and hard things... I will share them. One day. Hopefully. But as much as I believe there's beauty in sharing things in the messy middle, sometimes it isn't until we've finished a chapter in our story that we can determine the parts that can and should be shared and the parts that need to remain hidden.

At this point, I feel a little bit like I'm rambling, but I guess what I'm trying to say is this — I'm committed to writing. I'm committed to sharing things in this space because I believe the Lord has gifted me with the ability to encourage and uplift others through my words. But if I ever lose sight of that purpose, and I would be writing without that purpose in mind, I shouldn't be writing at all.

So Hello Monday is sticking around and, as much as I'm able, I hope to share words with you every week. But know that if a Monday goes by without my doing so, what I would've said would've just added to the noise and wouldn't be worth reading anyway.